Abusive Parody
by Claire Ride
Summary: Have you noticed that a lot of Maximum Ride fan fiction is now including Max being abused, moving into a foster home, then finding the love of her life? Well, I'm here to make a Parody of that. Read for more summary!
1. Hell Of A Good Punch

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Hey people! Have you noticed that a lot of Maximum Ride fan fiction is now including Max being abused, moving into a foster home, then finding the love of her life? Well, I'm here to make a Parody of that. Now, don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I love those types and stories and read them often, but I think it would be entertaining to turn it into a good laugh.

NO WINGS…for now.

Me: I need a disclaimer.

Iggy: We don't have wings!

Me: Dude, your part of an abusive story. No happy wings for you!

Iggy: *mumbles to self* Fine, be that way.

Me: *taps foot impatiently* Well…

Iggy: Oh yea! You don't own Maximum Ride!

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Abusive Parody

Hell Of A Good Punch

Max POV

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Umm, yo? I'm Maximum Ride. Currently in hell, currently hot because of the whole hell thing…if your catching my drift. I live in a dinky little house at the edge of, you guessed it, a bad town. With bad people. My father was included in the category of bad people.

Jeb Batchhelder…is my "daddy". Stupid last name that I unfortunately inherited. You can now see why I go by Ride. I also live with my two annoying siblings Angel and Gazzy. Angel…is not an Angel, and Gazzy…being a little freak he is.

"Ooooooh Maxie darling!" Damn, that's my shit-for-brains daddy with his alcohol buddies. Yay.

"Yes father dearest!" I shouted. Hey, why not play along.

"I've got some people here to greet you!" He said in a sing song voice. Hmm, I wonder what this was about. Yea, that was sarcasm there sweet cheeks. "And bring those other good for nothing kids!" A.K.A Gazzy and Angel.

"Yea, yea, yea. I know the routine!"

I ran to the kids room where they were playing…dress up. Gazzy was wearing a cute dress that I wouldn't dare be caught dead in, and he seemed to be enjoying it. Aw, I always wanted a gay friend. Seeing that I walked in the kids threw down their fake fruit and stared at me.

"Dad beckons?" Angel asked.

"Of course!" I grabbed their hands and started walking down the stairs. "One last thing. Gazzy, are you gay?" His face turned red.

"NO! I just like dresses, I feel free!" Well, I cant argue with that.

We reached the bottom of the stairs, and there dad was. In all of his drunk weird and pink glory! Wait pink? Dang, what's wrong with the male population now a days! And his little henchmen were wearing pink too! Ha-ha, their shirts said 'Only tough guys wear pink'. Oh, that's so untrue. That's like saying 'Only fat guys wear spandex suits!'. ok I'm going off topic a little, people should not wear skinny jeans if their fat!…just felt I should get that out there.

"Hello Max, and others" Dad said. I'm guessing the 'others' he was referring to was Angel and Gazzy. I'm not complaining though. It's only by a miracle he still knows my name.

"You know what comes next right?" He asked, clenching his fists. I embraced the safety position.

"Let em' rip!" I shouted as I felt a fist come in contact with my jaw, and it didn't even hurt.

"Dude, that was weak!" I laughed. Daddy looked confused.

"What? My fists are buff!" He shouted, looking angry.

"Ok this is how you get a good punch to the face."

I started to demonstrate by steadying my feet and cracking my knuckles. I took a deep breathe then punched in a upward position. I heard a girl scream and a thump as someone fell to the ground.

"Aw, come on Gazzy! That wasn't that bad of a punch!" I scolded Gazzy, as he laid there screaming and clutching his face on the floor.

"OH GOD IT BURNS AS IF SOMEONE PUNCHED MY JEWELS!" He screamed. I rolled my eyes.

"Sorryyyyy! I had to show dad how to at least punch properly!"

"What a wuss." Angel said, looking at her older brother in disgust, and then kicked him in the groin.

"Little girl has skills." One of the henchmen said, ripping off his pink shirt in a hot fashion…or trying to.

"DON'T CALL ME A LITTLE GIRL!" Angel shouted, then kicked him in the groin. The man fell and mumbled nonsense words.

Of course, Angel had to have more fun. So 10 minutes later every man was on the ground, clutching their groins. This is what I like to call girl power.

"Ok Angel. I think you made them unable to have children. You can stop kicking him!" Man, I felt bad for that guy! He was bleeding! Angel was enjoying herself though, while taking digital pictures.

"Hey dad, make sure you wipe up the blood. We don't want to neighbors seeing!" I said, knowing I hadn't heard the end of this.

I ran up the stairs, watching Angel drag Gazzy, who was still moaning, to the bottom of the steps.

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Thank you for reading! I know it's a little rusty. More comedy and punches are about to come. Max and her little siblings will end up in foster care...and what not. Also, I have another comedy called Flock Madness. Read it if you so desire. Review Please!


	2. No Comprendo?

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HEY GUYS! Another chapter is right below!

IMPORTANT: I will only be able to write and update on weekends. With honors classes and field hockey I have absolutely no extra time! Which sucks.

Me: Ok, disclaimer…

Iggy: You sound depressed!

Me: I wont be able to write a lot *sobs*

Iggy: Um, it's ok? *pats back awkwardly*

Me: AHHHHHHH! *slaps and runs away*

Iggy: What the heck! Anyways, she doesn't own me…thank god!

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Abusive Parody

No Comprendo?

Max POV

I realized something. I get bored easily, and the food I make is awful. Huh, maybe if I feed my dad this food he'll die, and then I can rid the world of evil! Ha-ha, oh how I make myself laugh. The phone started ringing. I stood up, shocked. Why was I shocked? Because no one ever calls us! We're, like, outcasts among outcasts. I grabbed the phone.

"Um, hello?" I said, hoping that it was just someone prank calling…or something.

"Hello, is this Maximum Batchelder?" EW, ew ew ew! Bad last name!

"Yes." I grounded out. Gazzy came up behind me and started tapping my shoulder.

"Max!" He whispered screamed. "Not now." I mouthed to him.

"We got reports of child abuse happening in this household." Uh oh. "We are sending someone to check up on you guys." Shit.

"Uh, nothing bad is happening here! We're all super happy!" I said in a fake happy voice.

"MAX!" Gazzy screamed.

"SHUT UP!" I screamed back.

"Excuse me?" The women on the other end of the call said.

"Oh, not you lady! Send whatever pedophile guys you want!" I screeched and hung up.

Now it is time for 'Happy Glare Time With Max!'. I stared at Gazzy for god knows how long. He was practically melting under my gaze. Good. Then he gave me those cute eyes that made me wanna puke up blood.

"What. Do. You. Want?" I growled.

"I got hungry." He whimpered. Oh great, now I feel guilty. I forgot that kids needed food to survive.

"We don't have food. Unless you want me to cook?" I said, mischief filling my voice. Gazzy's eyes widened.

Then one of Jeb's alcohol buddies walked into the kitchen, not looking as drunk as I expected. What a nice surprise. Gazzy and I just stood there and stared at him, hoping we were making him feel awkward. He finally spoke up.

"WHAT THE HELL!" He screamed in one of those high pitched girl voices.

"Were our stares burning a hole in your skull?" I asked, an evil smile appearing.

"Dude, can you cook?" Gazzy asked. The dude stared weirdly at Gazzy, then he whipped out his apron that said "Kiss The Cook".

"Where'd you get that man?" I asked, slightly weirded out. Gazzy's mouth was agape.

"What do you want kid?" The alcohol dude asked. I wonder if he was one of those transgender people. Maybe he was secretly a women!

"I want on of those aprons." Gazzy whispered to me. "Just make me some pizza that doesn't taste like shit." I slapped the back of his head for saying a bad word and making fun of my cooking. Jerk. The doorbell rung suddenly! Bum bum bummmm. I ran over to the door and swung it open. A women wearing some strange skirt suit was there.

"Hello, I'm Valerie Johns. I'm here to check for child abuse, exc." Well damn.

"Uh, no comprendo English?" I sure hope that's the correct Spanish. Her eyes widened. Ha! I got her now!

"Oh, lo siento. Estoy aquí para comprobar para arriba en su familia." NOT COOL! Where did this break out in random Spanish happen? Crap, I'm gonna have to wing it.

I made my eyes widened. "OH MY GOD! What's that?" I gasped and pointed behind the women. She looked behind her and that was when I closed the door forcefully in her face.

"I hate my life." I muttered to myself.

Angel then ran past me, laughing maniacally, with the "Kick The Cook" apron on and mans clothing in her hands. Gazzy followed after her, screaming that he needs that apron to make a delicious meal and the alcohol guy followed Gazzy, with only women's underwear on.

I knew there was something wrong with him…

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Guys, just saying I don't think abuse is funny at all, but in this story it is. In real life, no. Just saying. I'll try to update again. Sorry about the wait. Have a good weekend! Review!


	3. Fun Box

GUESS WHAT GUYSSS! *drum roll* ITS THANKSGIVING WEEKEND! I felt an extreme urge to update this story. Why? Because someone said this is some funny shit. And I laughed like crap. So now I feel obligated to update!

THANK YOU ValentineRose28, for getting me off my lazy ass.

Also, guess what? Up in that paragraph were 2, count it 2, cuss words! I feel like some gangster that's invincible…yo dawg.

Me: LAST DAY OF SCHOOL…for November!

Iggy: HAHA I DON'T HAVE SCHOOL!

Me: *growls* *whips out pizza* don't make me hurt you.

Iggy: With pizza?

Me: There are many ways to hurt people…

Iggy: SHE DON'T OWN ME! Or that pizza…she stole it from Obama.

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Abusive Parody

Fun Box

Max POV

Good news. I stumbled, ok more like fell, across my Ipod this morning! This is the first good news since…since…. When I didn't die from food poisoning last week. I whipped it out of my back pocket, plugged in some earphones and listened to Chris Brown.

You know why I like to listen to him? It's because he reminds me a lot of my home life. He beats up Riana, and my dad beats up me. It's a cycle that we all live with. I was jamming out to some tunes when, once again, the doorbell rung. I felt popular, like Justin Bieber popular.

"Yello?" I said as I opened the door while armed with water balloons. And just so you know, yello is a hybrid of both 'yo' and 'hello'.

"Are you Maximum?" A man voice said from outside the house. I heard Angel and Gazzy come up behind me with some water balloons of their own.

"Depends." I said, choosing my words carefully. He cocked and eyebrow. That is the epitome of bastard right there.

"Depends on what?"

"Depends on if you want to pay me or make me go trix for a living." I spit out. His eyes widened.

"W-well," He stuttered. "not the trix thing, or the money thing. I'm here to escort you to your foster home."

I gave Angel and Gazzy a look that said 'Release-the-water-balloons-or-else-I-will-release-a-pack-of-angry-bears-on-your-head!' There's a look for everything now a days.

"ATTACK MY PETS!" I screamed and started to chuck balloons at the guy with the suit on.

He screamed and ran around in circles around the perimeter of the yard. Angel, Gazzy and I chased him, having a jolly ol' time here with…whatever his name was. I'll call him Jimmy. Ok, so Jimmy, aka suit guy, was still screaming.

"I WILL SEND REINFORCMENTS!" Jimmy yelled. Ha, Jimmy.

"I HAVE MINE ALREADY!" I screamed back. "GAZZY!" I pointed at Gazzy. "GO BE GAY WITH HIM!" Angel's, Gazzy's and Jimmy's eyes widened.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Gazzy screeched…like a gay person. I put my hands on my hips.

"Are you sure?" I asked. He nodded. "Completely sure?" I asked again. He nodded. I turned to look at Jimmy.

"Well, your off the hook for now, but that doesn't mean I cant find a gay per-" I was rudely cut off by a water balloon…exploding on the side of my frontal lobe. I slowly turned around and shot glares at Gazzy.

"That's what you get for calling me gay." He said proudly.

During this whole scene Jimmy escaped into his mini van and Angel was watching from a distance with a video camera, ready for video tape the sibling show down.

"Angel," I hissed. "get me 'The Fun Box'" Angel's eyes widened once again, but she did as I told.

"Now Gazzy, will you apologize?" I asked, he shook his head. Angel returned with a cage. "THEN IN THE CAGE YOU GO!"

So, around 5 minutes and 23 seconds later, Gazzy was whining about how the cage was too small and how it didn't fit his needs. Well buddy, that's what you get when you disobey the overlord dictator. I dragged Gazzy's cage to where there was a convenient hole in the ground.

"Fun box, oh fun box! Small and square and dark!" I sang. "Fun box, of fund box! Check out these cool fun locks! YAY!" I tied some chains around his cage and dropped him in the hole.

"I always like that song." Angel said. I clapped her on the back.

"Same here my friend." I said, then remembered something. "Did you ever give that guys clothes back?" I asked.

Angel's eyes widened for the third time that day. "Shit…"

Crap, I was seriously afraid to walk into my house. Who knows what I might find…

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NOT MAKIN FUN OF GAYS…just saying. Was this a crappy chapter? Yea, yea it was! Next chapter has the dumb-butt-children getting kidnapped by the foster care…it might involve ninjas. REVIEW!

Quotes During Chapter-Q.D.C

"I'm craving turkey…"

"OMG! I love the Fairly Odd Parents!" (That's where I got the Fun Box Song)


	4. SAW

**I laughed like heck with these reviews people! YOU MADE MY BORING LIFE WORTH LIVING!*blows noise in convenient tissue***

**~Absolutely Unusual- You busted your gut? AHHH SURGERY! *beep* ok your good!**

**~Moe6swimmer- I love your obsession with potatoes. it's much healthier then my obsession of watching my neighbors through my window…yea…**

**~She5298-You know what? I love you more then Michael Jackson loved little boys…and that's saying something.**

**~ValentineRode28-You win the favorite review reward! I was going to say something really dirty/awkward about the ass thing…but I decided against it. DUDE, I always wanted a lollipop stuck onto my bald head by a monkey! DREAMS DO COME TRUE!**

**Me: Give me my frakin disclaimer or Santa will get you..**

**Iggy: Santa? YOU MEAN SATAN! ?**

**Me: Duh, of course I mean Satan! Who else would Santa be?**

**Iggy: NO OWN! *runs like hell***

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**Abusive Parody**

**SAW**

**Max POV**

This is how the situation was laid down. Angel and I (proper grammar fool!) walked into the house. Gazzy was still in his box o' happiness. Anyways, we walked in and BAM!, creepy naked guy on our floor in a fetal position.

Now, what can I say? I enjoyed it!….Just kidding…that would make me a sick perverted whore.

"WHAT THE HELL?" You could say I was unhappy at the moment.

"Happy place…" The guy muttered, rocking back and force. "find your happy place…"

"I wanna poke him with a stick." I barely heard Angel whisper.

Awkward silence. This is the moment where I would usually shout 'A gay baby was just born!', but I seriously had no idea how to handle a naked thug freaking out on my floor.

"Angel," I whispered, making sure the…umm…guy didn't hear me. "get me my pitch fork."

Angel ran up the stairs. I heard random doors slam. You must be thinking why the hell did I have a pitch fork. It's because all the cool kids own pitch forks to stab people with when their bored.

"Here's the fork thing!" I jumped at the sound of the demon Angel screaming in my ear.

"How the FUUUUUU-" Angel slapped her hand over my mouth. Damn, that girl is fast!

"I'm magic…" Angel then back up towards the wall…and…uhhh….disappeared.

"THE GIRL'S A DEMON!" The naked hobo said on my floor.

"SCREW THIS!"

I then proceeded to stab the living crap outta the hobo, and yes. This time I did enjoy it. I may have shouted profanities at this guy, or I could have shouted something like 'UGH! MAX SMASH!' either would have been good.

**-5 Hours and 1200 blood stains later-**

Let me give you a little mental picture. You know those scary movies where every 5 minutes someone dies? Yea, those. Lets just say I am now the killer in one of those movies, because I sure look like one. With a pitch fork in hand, my white shirt not being white anymore, and a twitching guy on the ground, this can be my own personal SAW (the 3D version) scene.

So, why not play with this a little.

I slowly walked outside, the sun was starting to set. I made my way towards Gazzy's box o' fun.

"GAZZY! YOU HAVE FORESAKEN ME FOR THE LAST TIME!"

Angel appeared out of no where, like usual, and started to pull Gazzy's fun box up from the gaping hole in the ground. Sometimes I would say I felt bad for the poor kid, but at the moment his face was absolutely priceless. I was hoping I looked like something from the Exorcist.

Gazzy squinted his eyes to get a better look at my god beautiful face. "Mom?"

"Oh come on!" I screeched, throwing my pitch fork at the ground in an angry rage. How the hell did he come up with 'Mom'? Seriously! Does he usually picture his mother coming towards him with a bloody pitch fork?

"So, your not my mother?" Angel started to laugh quietly at the scene of her older brother sniffling.

"NO! No one loves you!" I screamed and stomped inside.

**FANG POV (HOLY CRAPPO! FANGO'S POV!) **

I trudged through the halls in my big ass house while my family members did something else family oriented. I flipped my emo black hair out of my eyes and sat down near a cinnamon candle. The flame flickered slightly as the air shifted.

I don't know why, but I was getting this weird feeling. Not the weird feelings you get when a hybrid wolf is about to attack you…or something ridiculous like that, but the feeling that something was going to change. This feeling was telling me that I would have to come in contact with a not-a-crack-addict-but-might-as-well-be girl, a may-be-gay-but-he's-totally-in-denial boy, and lastly a girl-that-looks-like-an-angel-but-is-really-a-disgusting-creature.

These feelings were oddly specific…and I have no idea why I had them! GOSH!

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**Hey guys! Sorry about the wait. Oh, you didn't notice I was gone? Its cool, its cool. I'm like a ghost…I come and go as I please. Oh, and I lied about the whole 'foster home thing in this chapter'. Maybe the next one! **

**A little update on my life. Don't wanna hear it? Well too damn bad! ****My biology teacher has a weird obsession with me. *AHHH!* Microsoft Office is boring…seriously boring…like to entertain myself I play a My Little Pony. Digital Media is…actually not too bad…kinda surprising. Lastly, Honors History…my teacher likes to make fun of me. **

**Q.D.C**

"**HA! I'm so making Fang a person that hates the world!"**

"…**.damn…I wish my body came with batteries…"**


	5. Wolf Mode! Can Blue Find the Clue?

**Yo kids! Yes, I am calling you children. Got a problem with that? If so, write a descriptive message and I'll join some therapy circle with you cuzz God knows I need one. **

**Guess what, guess. I dare ya too. I made Student Council! OMGGGG IM A FUTURE LEADER! *beams* **

**~Rhaksha Ora- Hmmm, what does your name mean? Like seriously, I'm curious. Thank you for the review, my friend!**

**~FallOutGirl21- Fang is gonna be super emo…like…hate-the-world-give-me-a-damn-candle-to-write-poetry-by-the-moon-light kind of emo. Max will not be swoony though…because that would mean I'm going with the curve of writers. MAX. IS. MANLY. **

**~Absolutely Unusual- Dude, I want a weird guy reading stuff for me…I'm really lazy. Like really, really lazy. **

**~ValentineRose28- I felt like a child being scolded! Your review was screaming at me! AHHHHH! DON'T HURT ME! Wait, was I just threatened with a toothbrush? Can I still brush my teeth on a daily basis then? **

**~Dozen-Glass-Roses- ….I'm German? May I dance on your grave? Nah, just kidding yo. BUT WELCOME to the story!**

**~EmmyCriesBlood- OMG I SOOO SORRY YOU HAD TO READ MY HORRIBLE STORIES OVER AGAIN! THIS CHAPTER IS FOR YOU!**

**~Samantha-the-music-lover- Well shit…I was threatened with a pitch fork O.o THANK YOU! I'm glad you paid attention to the last chappie!**

**I DON'T FEEL LIKE DOING THIS SO NOW I JUST SAY NO OWN! IM BEING LAZY YOU TARD MONKIES!**

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**MY FANGY-POO'S POV!**

God damn, I lost my poetry book. I put it right on my bedside table…and now its freakin GONE! GAHHHH!

*At this moment Fang as gone into Wolf Mode*

**No ones POV (Whoaaaa)**

"HOLY FREEDOM FRIES! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Nudge screamed over the sound of shattering wood and glass.

"Ah, it seems our little Fang is angry." Iggy said with a smile that said 'I'm-going-to-enjoy-this-a-little-too-much.'

"Why would Fang be angry….?" Nudge sat down in her thinking chair to think, think, think.

"Hmm, why don't you ask him. I mean-" Iggy was cut off when Nudge exclaimed. "Aha! I know! I must find the paw prints to figure out this mystery!" She said with a smile. "Come Blue! Let us figure out this clue!"

Nudge skipped away with a slightly weird blue dog being dragged behind her.

**Somewhere in an alternate universe~ **

"BLUEEEE!" Steve yelled in terror as he searched his doll house. "Where could she have gone?" He questioned with tears running down his face. "WHY MEEEE! WITHOUT THAT DOG, I HAVE NO CAREER!"

**Back to reality~**

"Yes!" Nudge smiled. "A clue." In her hand was a pack of pencils. "Now, I must draw this in my retarded spiral notebook with a huge ass crayon."

Next to her, you could see the poor Blue trying to escape. Anyone would see this and immediately think it was animal abuse. As the dog took another step a harpoon blocked her path.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you!" Nudge said with a too sweet of a smile on her face. The dog stared at her with frightened eyes, then proceeded to pee on the carpet.

"AH! I CAN'T FIND OUT WHAT FANG IS DOING WITH YOU PEEING!" Nudge screamed.

Then, almost like magic, Fang came running in. He slipped in the dog pee and fell like a mighty oak. Sadly for him, he was still in Wolf Mode, so he crashed through the floor with a heavy thud. Blue saw this as a perfect moment to make a dramatic escape. The dog whipped out a smoke bomb, threw it on the floor, and a puff of smoke covered her dramatic escape.

"NOOOOO! I LOST MY TRACKING DOG!" Nudge whined while throwing a bowling ball down the Fang sized hole.

"BLEHBLOOP!" And that was the sound Fang makes while being hit with said bowling ball.

Iggy walked in through the smoke like some god and turned his head left and right.

"Fang fell through a hole?" He asked.

"Yea…" Nudge replied.

"Your threw a bowling ball?"

"Yea…" Nudge looked down the hole at a twitching Fang.

"Man, that was my good bowling ball…" Iggy looked into the distance sadly. "Well, at least he has some balls…"

**BACK TO HAPPY GO LUCKY LAND WITH MAX!**

We come to the scene to find Max and her father staring at each other angrily. Max's eyes were starting to twitch as her father moved his hand towards her and…

"King me!" Her father screamed as he brought down his black checker piece.

"Oh really?" Max smirked as she picked up her red piece and jumped over three black pieces. "You may have a king, but being a kind without people is useless! BWAHAHA!"

Jeb looked at her angrily, looked at the board, looked at Max…*5 minutes later* Jeb than proceeded to stand up, pick up the checker board, and started slapping Max with it.

"YOU JERK! YOU DON'T BEAT YOUR OWN FATHER!" He bellowed with tear running down his face. Then, almost like magic, Angel appeared out of the wall.

"Want…me…to deal with him?" She asked in a monotone while pulling out a katana.

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**20 minutes later Max, Angel, and Gazzy were being pulled into a perverted looking white van, which was actually the foster care but could just as easily be disguised as a perverts car. **

**The next chapter will have what happened in those 20 minutes!**

**Sorry this isn't a lot…I haven't been writing a lot at all. I'm too obsessed with anime at the moment! SO SORRY! Update on my life: ITS FLIPPIN SUMMER! (duhh) I'm still as lazy as ever, if you haven't noticed. I made a sword out of wood, then my friend and I battled in the middle of the street with our swords!**

**Q.D.C:**

"**When I found out Blue was a girl….my mind was blown…" **

"**Ugh…must. Go. Outside. And. Move!….nah, too lazy." **


	6. Hobo Speed Bump

**Hey guys! I would just like to say…I love you….like really. I'll be the peanut butter and you be the jam! *cough* Ok, now that's over…onto the reviews thanking! **

**IMPORTANT: Mostly, I get reviews that are twice as funny as my chapters…and make me laugh my ass off, but one review I have to address seriously. **

**I DO NOT THINK ABUSE IS FUNNY, GODDAMNIT! GAH! (Go to the review button and read the review yourself, if ya wish…it's long.) I think this reviewer attempted to hurt my feelings by saying if I rule the country, then we're all screwed? Maybe? *beeeeeeeeeeep* Don't worry, my steal heart wasn't fazed by your life story. **

**Anonymous Reviewer: Sophie- Hmm, I might just make Fang bored now! Thank you for the review!**

**Anonymous Reviewer: Loving this story- Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you love the story!**

**My Name Is NOT Jessica- (I really wanna call you Jessica…but I wont!) Don't gasp! I might think your choking…and try to Heimlich Maneuver…and I'm really bad at it. So you would just end up dying!**

**Anonymous Reviwer: Dolphiness- Thanks for the review! I probably will still say 'nobody's pov' because some people might not realize the change and might get confused.**

**ValentineRose28- Fine! You can scream at me…I WILL WITH YOU! KAY? WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT? Well, I am a weird person, but thank you soooo much for giving me permission to brush my teeth! BACON? Never! I never ate bacon before…**

**Dozen-Glass-Roses- *squeals* HOLY CRAP! I GOT NUMBERS! Minions…with…sunglasses? Dude, those are some cool minions.**

**Samantha-the-music-lover- I think Magenta was a girl too! I just don't know! I'm scarred for life!**

**Boxtoplad999- Thank you so much for saying that! XD Welcome to the story! I hope you enjoy the chapters to come.**

**JacindaWeire- Ha! I'm glad my retarded witty comments can make you laugh!**

**Christine Starr- You read Flock Madness? Aw! Thank you so much! This made me happy!**

**Empty Thoughts- Bah! Story of my life. It's both stupid and amazing. *bows***

**. - *cough* You spelled Crazy wrong in your name…*cough* I FREAKING LOVE YOU!Trunksgirl1026- That made my day….**

**Alright! I'm finished with my really, really long authors note! **

**Me: I guess we're all screwed…Iggy: Whoa! Why?Me: Because I made it into Student Council again! WABAM!Iggy: …does it look like I care? Really?Me: *tear* I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!Iggy: GAH! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU NO OWN!**

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**Abusive Parody **

**Hobo Speed Bump**

**Max POV**

_Recap: _

_20 minutes later Max, Angel, and Gazzy were being pulled into a perverted looking white van, which was actually the foster care but could just as easily be disguised as a perverts car. _

_End of Recap _

"I KNOW GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES, EVERYBODYS NERVES" Gazzy belted out at the top of his lungs in the backseat of the perverted van. "I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODYS NERVES AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES. BUM BUM BUMMMM!"

"OHMYGOD!" The perv driver shouted. "SHUDDUP!"

If you haven't guessed yet, we're being shipped to lonely town, and by lonely town, I mean orphanage. Behind me, Gazzy looked like he was having a conniption by wailing his arms around himself like a retarded squid of some sort and Angel was sitting next to me…just staring into space. If that doesn't scare you, then I don't know what will.

"Hey, isn't that Jimmy?" I whispered to Angel. Angel's eyes widened in recognition.

"You mean Gazzy's gay friend?" I nodded.

"I HEARD THAT!" Jimmy shouted. "AND MY NAME ISN'T JIMMY!" He slammed his hands on the steering wheel in a dramatic fashion, making the car horn go off.

I looked out the window and started laughing at what I saw.

"Hey Jimmy, look out the window real quick." I said, stifling more laughter.

Standing on the side of the street was a hobo looking guy, holding a sign that said "Honk if You're Gay!". Jimmy didn't appreciate that sign. So he did the only logical thing a person would do in this situation. He ran over the hobo with the pervy van. This is what I would like to call "The Power of Four Wheel Drive".

"If anyone asks, that was a speed bump." Jimmy said nervously.

"God was watching you…" Angel whispered in her demonic voice while pulling out a notepad.

"What's this" I asked, taking the notepad from her hands.

"I write down peoples sins…it's all wholesome fun."

I turned to the page that was marked "GAZZY'S SINS" and started reading the page.

1. Stealing Max's underwear

2. Stealing Max's toothbrush

3. Stealing Max's blanket

4. Stealing Max's stamp collection

5. Attempting to steal Max's virginity

Speechless is the only thing I could say for this moment. He freakin' stole my STAMP COLLECTION! This is serious. So serious that I was able to overlook the whole virginity thing.

I turned around in my seat and stared at Gazzy. "You're going to hell, you freakin' klepto!" I began to slap him with the notepad. "My poor stamps!"

He screeched like a small child. "I'm innocent I swear! It was Jimmy!" He attempted to pass the blame to Jimmy, who was beginning to cower in the drivers seat.

My eyes narrowed. "Liar. Jimmy is too stupid to realize the amazing quality of stamps." Jimmy replied with a "YEAH!", but realized he just called himself stupid. "Do you know what we do with liars?" I asked. Gazzy shook his head and Angel smiled. Whenever Angel smiles, you know some serious shizz is about to be put down.

"Stop the car, James!" I screamed.

"I thought I was Jimmy?" He screamed.

"Shut up, Bucho. I get confused easily!" I screamed back.

Five minutes later, you could hear Gazzy's screams echoing through lonely town. Angel had successfully hogtied Gazzy to the hood of the van…like a wild animal.

"Gazzy, this is for your own good." I said with fake sympathy in my voice.

"HOW?" He screeched like any woman would.

"Have you ever hear that saying 'Liar's learn by being tied to the hood of a perverted looking van'?" Angel asked, coming out of nowhere like usual.

"NO! NO ONE FREAKIN' HAS!" Gazzy screamed.

"Well, now you have." Angel dismissed Gazzy's screams. "So, Max is right for once." I purposely ignored the 'for once' part.

Angel and I jumped back in the car, enjoying the sound of Gazzy suffering. We're not mean people. Tying people to the hood of your car shows them that you care. Duh.

"You know…" Jimmy started. "my mom gave me this car."

I stifled my laughter. "She thought you were a pervert too, then."

Basically, this care ride to the orphanage consisted of self-realizations, ropes, sins, and hobo speed bumps. Hey, at least Gazzy didn't get the 'Fifty Shade of Grey' treatment.

* * *

**Forgive me for not updating in a year…you can hate me. Do it. I've always wanted archenemies. That would give me a reason to dress in spandex and fight crime!**

**Update on life:**

**I'm going into my senior year! WOO! And I'm cosplaying as Roy Mustang from FMA! OMFG SO EXCITED OF MY NERDNESS! **

**Q.D.C**

"…**.dear gawd I need to lose weight before preseason…oh wait, I forgot I'm lazy."**

"**La, la, lo, la…*giggles* I said lo instead of la…" **


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